Sunday, 24 January 2010

Xoxo, the abductor

Xoxo needed money. It never occurred to him that it was possible to obtain it in a quiet and legal way. Then again, Xoxo never was the brightest person one could get to know.
No. He needed money and when he thought about money and in the way to get it, Xoxo thought of puppies. The reason or the logical pathway with which he came to that way of thinking was never found, or if it was, it was too irrational to be considered seriously.
Puppies. Children loved puppies. And the parents would do anything to get the kids to stop crying because the puppy was gone. It was the perfect plan. Xoxo would kidnapp a puppy and get enough money to be set for life. Well, maybe not enough for that, but enough to avoid working for at least... a month.
Xoxo had another problem besides having the radical making-money idea mentioned above. The other problem was that he was lazy. It would be too much work to actually go and look for an appropriate puppy to kidnap. So he simply decided to avoid looking for one. He did not need to look for one when he had a perfectly adorable new puppy at his brother's house. Aunt Marsha had given the puppy to Xoxo's nephew, Johnas, last week for his birthday and from what he had seen Johnas had loved getting the puppy. Xoxo had heard Johnas' father and Xoxo's brother, Marvin, tell Aunt Marsha repeatedly how amazed he was that she had gotten Johnas a puppy. Surely Marvin wouldn't doubt paying a ransom for the puppy. It was the perfect target. And so Xoxo left his house early in the morning towards his brother's place.
The whole kidnapp part of Xoxo's plan was a piece of cake. Marvin always went to work at 6 o'clock and Johnas went to school at the same time, so when Xoxo arrived at 8 o'clock the house was all alone. It was only a matter of minutes to get inside Marvin's house (he used the key his brother had given him for those 'just in case' situations and for Xoxo this moment qualified as one), got the dog collar that was on the table on the puppy and left. The trip home presented no problem either.
It was all going according to plan. Now he would wait a few hours and call his brother. He would ask for 500 US dollars and he'd be set. Marvin would give him the money and Xoxo would release the puppy near his brother's house so his nephew Johnas would get his pet back. What could go wrong? Not a thing.
Xoxo took the collar off the puppy and left him in his living-room while he went to get them something to eat. Not knowing the taste of puppies, he made two ham and cheese sandwiches: one for him and one for the puppy.
By the time he got back to the living room, he found that the puppy had managed to get on top of his favourite and only sofa. It was not in any way a especial couch. The only advantages that it had was the soft feel of the cushions and how comfortable it was. Xoxo smiled at seeing the guileless puppy laying on his sofa. That puppy would get him what he wanted.
He left the sandwiches on a nearby table and looked around his apartment. Not knowing what to do while waiting, Xoxo decided to do what any smart person would do to pass the time: watch TV. To do that, he realized that he would need to move the puppy so he could sit on the sofa. Xoxo could not watch TV unless he sat on that couch.
"Come on, puppy. Get down from there. It's Xoxo's turn now."
The puppy's answer to that was a simple yawn and then he got more comfortable on the sofa. It did not seem that the puppy was going to get off the couch on his own any time soon. And that did not go well with Xoxo. The puppy was going to get helped out of the sofa.
Xoxo grabbed the puppy and pulled him towards him, so that the dog would fall off the couch. It worked. or at least it seemed to. As soon as the puppy hit the floor, it got up and before Xoxo could sit down on the sofa, sat again on the seat. Xoxo did not see that last part so he ended sitting on top of the puppy, but not for long.
With a growl and plenty of not yet very sharp teeth, Xoxo was expelled from the couch. Patting his hurt behind, Xoxo turned around angrily to look directly into the puppy's eyes.
"You bloody bastard! There was no need to do that!"
He raised his arm as if to hit the puppy. He was not going to hit the puppy of course, but then the puppy did not know that. Or so he thought.
Without any fear in its eyes, only distilling cuteness, the puppy stood on the couch, lifted a leg and let nature take its course.
"Aaargh!!" was all that Xoxo was able to articulate.
It had ruined his favourite couch! The bloody puppy had pissed on his sofa!!
Xoxo was not going to wait. He would make the call to Marvin right that moment. As soon as it was possible he would get rid of that couch-peeing puppy.
Trying to calm himself, Xoxo picked up a mobile and dialled Marvin.
"Hello Xoxo" answered Marvin after the first ring.
Xoxo started to speak and paused. Wait a moment, how does he know it's me?
"Xoxo? Why are you calling? Has something happened?"
Oh, I'm such a bloody idiot! I called him with my mobile! He has my number on record! Someone should shoot me for being this stupid. I have to fix it!, he thought.
"Er... hi, Marv!" He said in a rush. "I just go a note that says that Johnas puppy has been abducted! The person asks for 500 US dollars as ransom!" There he had fixed it.
"What?!" Asked Marvin sounding amazed. Xoxo hoped it was the way the voice came through the line. "Really? Are you completely sure? Why did you get the note? Shouldn't I the owner have gotten it?"
"Hell, if I know, Marv! I just got it! I don't know why me! Who knows how this abductor thinks!" I really hope he believes me. Otherwise I'm screwed!, he thought. Xoxo went on: "Anyway, yes, I'm sure, Marv. As soon as I got the letter I went by your place to see for myself and the puppy wasn't there! What are you going to do? Are you going to pay it? Think of Johnas!"
Xoxo held his breath. It was the moment of truth.
"Of course not, Xoxo!! Whoever took him can keep it! I don't like dogs and Johnas is allergic to them! I don't know who abducted the puppy but whoever it was did me a favor!"
"Really? I thought you liked the dog! I saw how thankful you were to Aunt Marsha."
"But of course I told her I was thankful! It would have been extremely bad manners not to have thanked her even if I hated the present. So I did and she was happy. I was waiting a little so she wouldn't be suspicious and in a few weeks I was going to give it in adoption to a friend of mine. I was only worried about what I was going to say to Aunt Marsha when she found out that I no longer had the bloody dog. But now I have a great excuse! Oh, boy, I'm so happy! I'm going home to confirm this wonderful news and then I'm going to call Aunt Marsha. Whoever this is, I'm really thankful! Thanks for the news, Xoxo! You're a great brother! Talk to you later!"
Xoxo hung up, sat down slowly on the floor and looked at the puppy sleeping on his favourite now-ruined sofa. Not only had he gotten no money, he now was the owner of the puppy. Xoxo did not know why but somehow his whole plan had turned out awfully wrong.