Déjà vu

¿Sueño olvidado
o realidad repetida?
¿Por qué sigo sintiendo
que esto es pasado
y no es presente?
¿Por qué viejos se sienten
estos hechos de mi vida?

Say it.

If you feel it,
don't doubt it.
Just say it.
Say what you feel without fear of what others might think.
Life is too short to waste it on the opinions of others.
It's not as if they have to live YOUR life.
YOU have to do it.
So be free.
Feel it.
Breathe it.
Shout it.
BE it.
Just be yourself.
You'll find it is much easier to be happy if you just let yourself be yourself.

Bendita la luz (Mana)

[Ensayo coral. Intervalo de corrección de horrores... digo, errores.]

-Sopranos, no me corten el oh, oh
y contraltos... no me corten la luz.

-Ni el agua!

__

Sólo sé...

[...]

Sólo sé que nos volvimos
los dos a un tiempo,
y nuestros ojos se hallaron
¡y sonó un beso!

[...]

Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer, Sobre la falda tenía, Rimas y Leyendas de Amor, pág. 28

IT

I had to tell him. I couldn't hide it. It hurt to know it would make him sad. It would hurt him to know It gone. It hurt to actually face him and tell him that it was my fault. It was my deed. My own actions that had robbed it of life.
In my defense, it was an accident. I regretted it.
No. Actually I didn't regret it.
It would be lying to say that I regretted it. And I don't make a habit of lying.
No, I don't regret it at all.
I moved in with my boyfriend knowing IT lived there. In fact, I already knew my boyfriend had one when we started dating. And I thought it wouldn't matter. That I would be able to live with it. I was wrong. My subconscious proofed me wrong.
I moved in and did my best to ignore IT. I pretended it didn't exist, only nodding when my boyfriend spoke of it or took care of it. I couldn't handle the sight of it, so whenever my boyfriend left the flat I tried to go some place else. No, I wasn't going to be there alone with IT.
But one day I couldn't avoid it. My boyfriend had to travel for a week. Someone had to take care of it. You had to feed it. It would die otherwise and that wouldn't be good.
I swear I did my best, even though panic filled me whenever I had to bring it food. Not one night did I sleep at the flat. I was too scared of it to manage to close my eyes when it was in the same room as me.
Then something happened. It was the day before my boyfriend was due to come back home. I ran out of money because I had been spending it all to pay for the room at the hotel I was staying. I didn't have the chance to ask any friend to take me in for a night; my parents live in another city. No, I had no choice. I had to sleep at the apartment.
It took a lot of courage to enter the flat with my bag of clothes. The fact that I had to sleep alone with it in the flat scared me. When my boyfriend was there it was different. I wasn't so scared, although I was disgusted by It. But my boyfriend wasn't there that night.
I didn't eat. I couldn't. All my hunger had left me the moment I entered the flat.
I tried to work, to read a book, to watch TV. I tried to do anything that would distract me from the knowledge that It was there, looking at me, staring at me. I knew it was probably my imagination, but I felt it glaring at me, annoyed by my presence as much as I was scared of it. It didn't like me. I could feel it in my bones.
I must have somehow dozed off on the couch. Yes, I must have. Otherwise I wouldn't have suddenly opened my eyes to find it inches from my arm.
I didn't think. I just reacted.
I took a bunch of my work papers and rolled them. And I hit it with them. Once, twice, many, many times.
And It was dead.
And I stood there and smiled.
It was gone. It was no more.
And my smile grew wider.
And then I heard the keys turning in the front door.
I had to tell him. I couldn't hide it...

Will you be my Valentine?

I've been sitting in front of my pc for more than an hour trying to put into words all the things you make me feel. But every time I start writing about all that I feel for you, I find that I fall short and I fail to actually convey a even a tinny, tinny bit of all that I wanted to express.
I realized then that it is totally useless to try to put my feelings for you into words. I'm never going to be able to tell you how much you mean to me, because there aren't enough words in the dictionary for me to succeed. All the phrases I can make combining words would be a pale reflection of what my heart feels when you smile or talk. All the things we've shared are so especial to me that I don't dare try to express myself with words because I fear I wouldn't be able to convey the true importance of what they mean to me.
So I'm just going to say those very known words that are actually a very incomplete summary of my feelings for you:

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART

Happy Valentine's day, my love!

__

Algunas pelis y series que quiero ver...

Hubo un período de mi vida en que no tenía ganas de ver películas. Estaba en ese momento de transcisión entre infancia y adolescencia en que ya me habían dejado de entusiasmar las películas de los niños pero que todavía no me terminaban de interesar las películas más adultas. Shame on me, ese período fue bastante más largo de lo que me hubiera gustado. Tanta es mi shame que confieso tristemente no haber visto The Godfather (ninguna de las 3), hecho que pienso seriamente remediar este año. No va a terminar el 2009 sin que yo haya visto estos 3 peliculones... Realmente, tengo que make up por todos los peliculones que no debo haber visto...

Acá hay una lista de algunas de las pelis que tengo intención de ver en el futuro cercano. Comentarios, sugerencias: bienvenidos =p
(Sí, soy un desastre. Ese comentario lo pueden obviar. Ya se sabe. Es implícito xD)

-Across the universe
-Bananas
-Blindness
-Bride wars
-Brigham city
-Coraline
-Djinn
-Echelon Conspiracy
-Gran Torino
-Heroes (series)
-Inkheart
-Inspector Lewis (series)
-Keith
-Léon (The professional)
-Life Stinks
-Manhattan
-My cousin Vinny
-New in town
-One foot in the Grave (series)
-Psycho
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
-The Dutchess
-The Godfather I, II & III
-The Lucky ones
-The nightmare before Christmas
-The time Traveler's wife

Next Plane Out

(Celine Dion)

I listen to the sound of the rain fallin' down my window

Prayin' for a gentle wind

To bring my baby back again

Tryin' to be strong but I'm not getting any stronger

Loneliness is tearing apart this heart of mine

I lay awake 'coz I can't take another night lonely

It's been too long, I can't hold on no more

Leavin' on the next plane out

'Coz I gotta see my baby

It's been too long since I held him in my arms

And I just won't sleep at night

Till he's sleeping here beside me

Here beside me again

Gotta be with my baby

Talking on the phone but that don't make it any better

Nothing's gonna ease this pain

Until I'm in his arms again

Runnin' down the stairs there's a taxi that's waiting for me

Loneliness I'm gonna leave you far behind

I'd walk for days through pouring rain

Anything to be with him

It's been so long, I can't be strong no more

Leavin' on the next plane out

'Coz I gotta see my baby

It's been too long since I held him in my arms

And I just won't sleep at night

Till he's sleeping here beside me

Here beside me again

Gotta be with him

Gotta be by his side

Gotta be with him

My heart's made up my mind

Leavin' on the next plane out

'Coz I gotta see my baby

It's been too long since I held him in my arms

And I just won't sleep at night

Till he's sleeping here beside me

Here beside me again

'Coz I gotta see my baby

It's been too long since I held him in my arms

And I just won't sleep at night

Till he's sleeping here beside me

Here beside me again

Gotta be with my baby, gonna be with my baby

Gonna take the next plane or the next train

Gotta get there gotta see my baby

And nothing's gonna stop me from leavin' this time

Leavin' on the next plane out...

Ansiedad

Realmente, una de las pocas cosas que cambiaría de mi misma es la malísima e insoportable costumbre que tengo de ser ansiosa. Hay veces que ni hasta yo misma me banco y cuando eso sucede no tengo mucha opción para evitarme... I'm stuck with myself*... Y aunque lo intento y trato de contenerme, termino dandome cuenta de que es como intentar retener agua con las manos: simplemente, no se puede... Es como ahora: falta nada y mucho al mismo tiempo para volver a casa y volverte a ver. Por un lado, considerando todo el tiempo que estuve afuera, estos últimos 5 o 6 días no son nada. Se pasan en 2 minutos. Pero por el otro lado, con las ganas de verte y lo mucho que te extraño, el saber que falta tan poco pero que no puedo acelerar el paso del tiempo me está matando...
Y estoy así, caminando por los techos, porque en este momento ni siquiera tengo forma de distraerme. Porque ni los libros me permiten distraerme lo suficiente como para olvidar lo poco que queda, pero lo mucho que parece faltar...
Y la continua nieve por todo el país (o bueno, casi todo) no ayuda a calmar mis nervios porque me da miedo de que por culpa de la nieve se retrase le avión y tarde más en llegar. Según el pronóstico para el finde no va a haber más nieve por lo que no debería haber problemas, pero eso no quita que mi maldita ansiedad no me haga preocuparme.
Si tan solo fuera tan fácil como cerrar los ojos y que al volverlos a abrir me encontrara ya devuelta...


* Desde ya me disculpo con todos, porque si llego al punto de no bancarme a mi misma no me quiero ni imaginar como se sentirán los demás con respecto a mí.